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DEAR EVERY AUTHOR IN THE WORLD

 

WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT THE PARANORMAL ROMANCE/VAGINAL URBAN FANTASY GENRE IS FULL. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, BUT YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME TO WRITE IN THIS GENRE. BANNED ROMANTIC INTERESTS INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO:

  • VAMPIRES
  • WEREWOLVES (AND ALL WERE-SUBSETS)
  • WARLOCKS
  • ELVES
  • FAERIES
  • OLD ONES
  • DEMONS
  • ANGELS
  • ANY OTHER SUPERNATURAL BEING

YOU MAY WISH TO SHIFT YOUR ATTENTIONS TO LESSER-USED PAIRINGS, SUCH AS YOUNG ADULT WOMEN WHO ARE MESMERIZED BY EVIL SUPERHEROES WHO THEN GIVE UP THEIR LIVES OF CRIME FOR LOVE. YOU MAY ALSO CONSIDER A YOUNG WOMAN FALLING IN LOVE WITH A REGULAR MALE HUMAN, AS HARLEQUIN CAN’T PUBLISH THAT SHIT FAST ENOUGH, APPARENTLY.

ALSO, FOR THE READERS OF THESE GENRES…YOU KNOW IT’S TOTALLY FINE TO USE PORN TO ROCK THE LITTLE MAN IN THE BOAT, RIGHT?

SIGNED,

THE WHOLE OF THE WORLD MINUS YOU

Are Michael Bay movies the opera of cinema?

TheMonocularGroup poses an interesting question about Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

So is Michael Bay the last truly great Maestro of the summer blockbuster? Is he the only? Will Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon (are you fucking kidding me with that title?) be epic?

No. Also, no and probably yes.

T:DotM is, as a story, going to suck the hindquarter drippings of a baboon with a very nasty strain of a heretofore unknown STD. As a spectacle of mayhem, it will likely be epic on a scale that is hard to imagine. If Bay is right and his efforts to carefully craft every single frame to take actual advantage of 3D pay off, it might even be the first 3D film worth seeing. I totally get – and mostly agree – with the idea that summer blockbusters should not be judged according to the same rules you use when judging the latest Zooey Deschanel movie film.

In this spirit, if I go see T:DotM* Iwill turn off any and all requirements for story or plot. I’m here for things to go asplodey, and T:DotM ain’t gonna disappoint nobody in that department.

* I totally just got why Transformers 3 is named Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Because if it were Transformers 3, that would be abbreviated T3, and I think even Michael Bay wouldn’t dare go that far. Still. Dark of the Moon is extra stupid.

Hat tip: Io9